what my dreams tell me

February 8, 2012 11 Comments

I’m not big into analyzing my dreams–most of them are very random, making me believe that my subconscious is having fun pulling out fistfuls of memories, throwing them up into the air, and giggling at the mess they make when they come down. I tend to pay attention to recurring dreams, though, especially if they fall into one of the categories below. Rabia, these dreams tell me, you’re stressed, overwhelmed and feeling helpless. Stop pretending you’re okay and deal with your emotions.

Alright, subconscious, I’m listening. What are you trying to tell me here?

Oh no! I forgot to study for my physics exam and they’re going to make me repeat high school if I fail! These dreams always always take place in high school. And they always involve the adult-me, not the teenage-me. Adult-me, who has forgotten all her physics and most of her chemistry and higher-level math, but somehow must take these exams. The fact that I have three children to raise does not deter my high school teachers/zombie slave-masters from insisting I do so. The terror of being trapped in high school–again!–permeates these dreams.

Subconscious says: You’re feeling like you have lost control of your life. Stuff happens to you and you can’t cope. PANIC!

Help! I’m stuck in a house with a hundred rooms and I can’t get out! In this dream, I’m in a house. Supposedly my house. Only my house has spawned a hundred extra rooms when I wasn’t looking. And these rooms are old and horrid, full of peeling wallpaper, cracked linoleum, and stained metal bathtubs with clawed feet. And all of these rooms need renovating. Every single one, from the ground up.

I’m overwhelmed before I even start.

And no, it’s not like I’ve ever had to renovate a fixer-upper of a house or anything like that before. *puts tongue firmly in cheek*

Subconscious say: Yeah, you bit off more than you can chew. STRESS!!!

I’m in the ocean. No, by the shore. No, I’m crossing over a waterfall. Ah, the water dreams. These are the dreams I’ve had the longest, and they are the most ambiguous. Sometimes, they are downright terrifying, like the one in which a child of mine was swept off a narrow bridge and into the boiling rapids *shudder*. Other times, they are surprisingly peaceful; once, I dreamed I was in a shallow place in the middle of the ocean, bobbing in clear clear water, surrounded by white walls which kept out big waves. In the last iteration of the water dream, I was in a beach house right by the sea, looking out of a big picture window. Every so often, a massive wave would come in and engulf the house. I’d see dolphins and whales go by the picture window. Then the wave would retreat, and I’d wait for the next one. I wasn’t terrified, but it was surreal.

Subconscious says: WATER: raging, terrible, sweeping away. WATER: calm, peaceful, protective. WATER: vast, powerful, majestic. Oooh, look at the pretty dolphins!

Yeah, subconscious, I don’t get it, either.

What about you? Do you have recurring dreams? What do you think your subconscious is trying to tell you?

Filed Under: personal, random

7 things about me

February 1, 2012 11 Comments

I received a Versatile Blogger Award from several members of my WANA class: Julie Kenner, Cindy Bell, and Liv Rancourt. Thanks, gals! You’re sweet!

So, according to the rules, I need to post this cute little icon (happily grabs), link to the person(s) who nominated me (done! see above), tell people seven things about myself (see below) and pass on the award to 5/7/14 other people (er…how about three?).

Seven things about me:

1. I’m bilingual. I speak English and Urdu–the language of Pakistan, the country where I grew up. Hands up if you’d heard of the language before reading this post.

2. My husband and I got engaged in Hong Kong. We spent a month there and I loved it. Would love to go back there someday and take the kids.

3. Currently, I have a 2-liter bottle full of soil and grass seeds on the window sill, and steelwool rusting in a small bowl of water on the kitchen counter. These are otherwise known as the “What is a Biosphere?” and “Why is Mars Red?” experiments. Why yes, I am a homeschooling mom! Why do you ask?

4. Apparently, when I was a wee little tot, I had a pet lamb (Rabia had a little lamb, little lamb… no, it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue, does it?). I used to ride it, and it would butt me affectionately in the tummy. It was scared of my mom’s high heels and would run and hide if it heard her coming. It would also eat clothes off the line. But the little lamb grew into a great big sheep and it was given away (or turned into dinner, I suppose).

Or so they say.

I have no recollection of such a pet, and I still wonder, to this day, if it is not a hoax perpetrated upon my gullible younger self.

5. Speaking of perpetrating hoaxes: When I was a preteen, I convinced my 5-years-younger brother that we were all a family of witches who’d been sent to earth to study humans. However, since he was born without magic, we’d have to leave him behind when we returned to Witch Land.

He was most upset.

Oh, I was a horrible sister. I’m better now.

6. I have this weird squicked-out can’t-look-away fascination with giant squids. And titanic battles between sperm whales and giant squids in the black depths of the ocean.

7. I take my tea the British way– black tea with two spoonfuls of sugar and a splash of milk. And biscuits to dunk into the tea are mandatory (I use Ritz crackers, since I can’t find any of the brands I grew up with here in the US, boo).

I pass along this award to:

Filed Under: blogging, linktopia, personal

was a zombie, then a hermit, now restored to normal

January 17, 2012 2 Comments

I was single-mom-ing it last week while my husband was out of town on business. Actually,  “single mom” is a bit of an understatement, since I was also single cook, single driver, single dishwasher, single taker-out-of-trash… you get my drift. My kids are great and helpful, I emptied my week of complicated scheduling, and picked easy and still-fairly-nutritious dinners to make BUT by Friday I was pretty much shambling around like the Living Dead. Doesn’t help that I sleep poorly while my husband’s away (it’s like I’m used to sharing a bed or something). It’s hard being on call all week long. You never go off duty.

By the time my husband–exhausted from his trip–got home on Saturday, my introversion was raging in full force. This takes the form of retreating into a room–any room with a door!–with the same music looping over and over again (Gaelic Storm and Loreena McKennit this time around) and losing myself in a world in my head. I also ignore any and all social media/RSS feed/news/anything that requires me to make decisions, but after a day or two of getting time to myself, I’m ready to face the world again.

So hello, world. How are you?

Filed Under: personal

The Cardinal Rules of Good Behavior

January 11, 2012 2 Comments

according to Miss M. (5yo) at lunch today:

  1. Don’t kick.
  2. Don’t punch.
  3. Never throw toys at people.
  4. And never ever EVER mess up your bed before a showing!

Methinks we’ve been in this house-on-market stage of life far too long.

Filed Under: kids at play, personal

happy thanksgiving!

November 24, 2011 4 Comments

This year I implemented this fabulous Thanksgiving tree idea. The kids have had a lot of fun sticking on leaves, and I’m happy that they’re focusing on giving thanks for all the many blessings that have been poured out on us.

I am fortunate beyond reckoning. Since it would take far too long to enumerate all the things I’m grateful for, I want to focus on my many writing-related blessings.

I’m grateful for my husband, David, who let me stay home and write while he delivered pizzas for a living back when we were first married. I’m grateful for his continued support, and for his invaluable help in building my crazy worlds.

I’m grateful for my three children, who bring light and laughter to my house, and who have trained me to write in frenetic 10-minute segments. Plus, they keep me from wallowing in my emotions and being all self-absorbed.

I’m grateful for my friend and crit partner, Jo Anderton, who has stuck with me through story after story. I’m grateful for her incisive criticism and encouragement. Couldn’t have asked for a better beta reader.

I’m grateful for all the writers, blogs, and communities who have taught me so much about the craft and business of the profession. These include–but are not limited to–the Online Writing Workshop, Holly Lisle’s articles and writing courses, and the bloggers on my blogroll on the right (which needs much updating!). Thanks to all those hardworking professionals who take the time to inform newer writers.

I’m grateful for all the acceptances and rejections I’ve gotten along the way, and how each of those have been a milestone on this journey.

I’m grateful for all of you who read and comment on my blog–Prue, Megan, Deb, Kirsten, Tia, Tammy, and anyone else I’ve forgotten in my old age.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate.

Filed Under: personal

don’t listen to yourself

November 16, 2011 12 Comments

We live in a culture that wants us to be in touch with our feelings. We’re encouraged to lay ourselves open so we can examine every nuance, every tone, every chord of our emotional states. We have cheerleaders–from celebrities to magazine articles to self-help gurus–to tell us our feelings are the truest part of us, to exhort us to listen to ourselves, to let it all out.

Can I offer an antidote to all this emotionalism?

Don’t. Don’t put feelings first. Don’t let them reign supreme in your life. Don’t let them control you.

See, I’ve been there. I’ve listened to my feelings, I’ve dived deep in them, swam in them, rolled in them, wallowed in them. I’ve held pity parties in my head, and invited all my emotions to come hang out and be loud and tell me what they really really think feel.

It’s not pretty.

Feelings are valid, but they are not always right. Feelings are ephemeral, fly-by-night, dependent on body chemistry and external circumstances.

Feelings, if you let them, can sap your will, overrule your mind, and sabotage your dreams. I’m tired, they whine, I’ve had a hard day. I deserve to sit down with my feet up and watch Numb3rs all evening. Or, No one’s called me in three days. They don’t love me. They don’t appreciate me. Or, How come she got published, and not me? She’s a no-talent hack. Or, I’m just a failure. Nothing ever goes right for me. I’m unlucky, misunderstood, underappreciated. I need a chocolate truffle.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting we find the Emotions Off switch and flip it. Because we are not robots, and emotions are an important part of us. Often, emotions are symptomatic of underlying problems. Hey, I’m sad all the time. Maybe I need medical help or I’m angry a lot. I need to find a way to deal with the stress in my life. We need to deal with our feelings in a healthy way, not let them rampage all over our lives.

Stewing in ones own emotional juices just leads to a funk. I speak from experience.

So, how to deal with strong feelings? Here’s what I’ve learned from years of internal conflict with moodiness and negative emotions.

Recognize where particular feelings come from. Tiredness, stress, hunger and other physical conditions can magnify our emotions (as a parent, I am very familiar with this). Earlier in our marriage, I kept my poor long-suffering husband up wayyyyy too late some nights, detailing every nuance of my feelings of failure, inadequacy, and sense of being slighted. It didn’t matter what he said; I was determined to wallow in my exhaustion-magnified misery. If only a divine voice had spoken up and told me to shut up and go to bed. Funny how things always looked so much better in the morning.

Talk to ourselves, instead of just listening to ourselves. Let reason assert itself over the emotions sometimes. I know, reason gets a bad rep these days, but sometimes you do have to give yourself tough love. You do have to tell yourself that you are being unfair and kinda of a jerk for being jealous of someone else. You do have to say “Too bad” when your feelings complain that they just neeeeed and deseeeerve to kick back and relax, instead of work on that story.

Find something else to do. Spinning wheels, going around the same emotional track over and over again, is not helpful. If you can’t deal with the situation that caused the feelings in the first place, or they are beyond your control, do something else. Sometimes we can deal with feelings by just changing out circumstances. It might mean unplugging from the Internet, if a volatile issue is making you see red. Go outside and talk a walk. Exercise. Meditate. Do the dishes. Whatever you can to clear your mind and subside the raging rapids that is your emotional state.

Do you find yourself giving far too much airtime to your emotions? How do you cope?

Filed Under: personal, writing process

halloween special: short story

October 31, 2011 7 Comments

I don’t write horror, but some of my deepest fears have a way of clawing their way into my imagination. This short piece poured out of me in one intense writing session about three years ago (and I did have a nursing baby at that time).

I’ve never known what to do with it, but, well… here’s Exposure. It’s hard to share this one because it is disturbing to me.

Filed Under: personal, short stories

an apple a day

September 29, 2011 4 Comments

Apple-picking is a quintessential fall thing to do up here in the Northeast. We went to our favorite orchard this past weekend on a day with a sky painted bright blue and sunshine lying heavy and golden on our shoulders. We came home full of cider donuts and with a half-bushel of lovely Macs. I grabbed a stack of my favorite apple recipes–for apple pie and apple crisp, apple butter and apple muffins.

I made apple crisp, and we ate it hot from the oven with vanilla ice cream, melding flavors and temperatures.

Miss M. learned about life cycles and seasonal change using apple trees as examples.

We made chalk pastel apples– unless they were pumpkins!

I have apples on the brain.

I never knew that there were so many varieties of apple. Or so many posters and prints depicting them.

And it is rather fun to see how apples have wormed their way into the English language in idioms. And into stories and myths, from the golden apple for the most beautiful that started to Trojan War to the poisoned one that nearly proved Snow White’s undoing.

Apples apples apples. I still have a LOT of them. Anyone care to send your favorite apple recipe my way?

Filed Under: personal, random

in which I have an excuse

August 21, 2011 8 Comments

… for not blogging much this summer, that is. My husband got a new job that requires us to move from Vermont to Virginia. The last several weeks have been really busy with decluttering, packing, and cleaning–in between driving children to all the summer camps I signed them up for in a fit of misguided enthusiasm. But now the house is on the market and the kids and I are back in school. I hope to be blogging from Virginia soonish! *crosses fingers*

In the meantime, how are you?

Filed Under: personal

summer slowdown

July 7, 2011 3 Comments

I always think I’m going to have a lot of time over the summer–and I always end up not. A huge part of it is losing the routine school imposes on our lives most of the year. With a weeklong summer camp here, a couple of playdates there, having a cookout in the middle, I’m kept busy juggling our slippery ever-changing schedules.

Writing-wise, I’ve declared this to be the Summer of Fun. This is when I play with those smaller pieces and premises that I’ve collected over the course of the year. PLAY WITH is the important part here. This means that I get to change POVs if I feel like it, skip scenes that are too boring, change the genre mid-story and just not do anything tedious with my writing. The rules are: I will write, and I will finish what I write, even if it is a sloppy tacked-on dumb ending.

Right now I’m working on a short story with delusions of novella grandeur. Over 5K in and still picking up steam.

What are your summer projects?

Filed Under: personal, short stories
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